


Recitative

by YesBothWays



Series: The Love Story of Carol Aird and Therese Belivet [1]
Category: Carol (2015)
Genre: F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 17:12:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5751364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YesBothWays/pseuds/YesBothWays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Therese and Carol together after the final scene in the dining room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recitative

            "Excuse me for just a moment," Carol said to her table, " I see a friend."

            She got up and came to Therese, who was standing not far away. She wanted to reach out and touch her. She knew she should not for a hundred reasons, some of them even beyond this crowded room. Just seeing her again was enough, she told herself, in order to keep herself steady. Therese glanced at the other tables around them.

            "Will you come join us?" Carol asked.

            Therese looked at the table Carol had just left. Her party was still chatting happily. She felt herself swallow. They did not seem disturbed by the disruption she was causing. Therese looked back at Carol and felt in a flash that she did not want to sit through dinner with strangers, across from Carol. She would feel even further away from her than she did now. She wanted Carol. And she wanted her to herself.

            "I don't think so," Therese said, and she saw the faintest flicker of doubt pass over Carol's expression. "Come to my place after," she said and swallowed hard once again.

            Therese felt her heart almost sting after she spoke. She was afraid to move towards Carol in this way. But she had to. More than she felt angry at her, she felt afraid of what might happen.

            "Yes, all right," Carol said, and she added quick, almost as if anxious, "I should be there before eleven."

            Therese tried to give some form of nod. She was already imagining that Carol might not come. Carol must have been reading the skepticism held in still Therese's body, because she reached out and touched the back of her hand lightly.

            "I won't fail you again, Therese," Carol said.

            Therese looked back at the company at Carol's table. They weren't missing her just yet. She did not know what else she should say. Standing this close, she could read all the nuances of expression Carol's face held. She let herself look over her for a long moment. All her focus on the remainder of the room became merely a forced habit of discipline. Her eyes wanted to study Carol in her entirety. How could she seem like so much more to Therese than other people? They were the baths and fountains of New York, while Carol was the ocean.

            "I love you, as well," Therese said.

            Her voice did not break as she feared it might. She spoke low and clearly. This seemed a simple thing to say. And yet Therese almost wanted to weep having said it. Those words had wanted to form on her mouth for so long and suddenly they had. She wondered if they would have any power, spoken aloud. It felt too late and too soon to say them both at once. She glanced around by instinct as she felt all this to see if anyone had overheard. She shared one last look with Carol, who seemed quite clearly to be trying not to cry. She could tell that Carol would like to reach out and take her into her arms. The promise that she would come later tonight felt plainly visible to Therese, and it seemed real. So she turned and left the crowded dining room.

 

            Therese decided to walk home. Her shoes were not so bad for walking, and she felt that she needed the air. The streets were surprisingly quiet with sounds of talking and music spilling out of establishments. People were already tucked into their nooks and burrows around the city, hell bent on enjoying their Saturday night. Most of them so they could try to face another work week in short order. She took a longer route to keep out of the parts of the city she thought were more dangerous at this time of night, but otherwise felt too distracted to consider her own potential fear much.

            Once inside her apartment, she made herself sit down to a sandwich and a glass of milk. She cleaned the dishes up after. The time was still a quarter to ten. She sat on the windowsill and looked out over her street. She felt grateful now that Carol had thought to mention the time before. She had not expected it. She would have waited up much later for her. But Carol must have known the time spent waiting would feel as torturous as this. Therese wondered if Carol still maintained the habit of considering her in each plan she made, imagining how she might feel and what she might need. She had almost forgotten how it felt to be so esteemed by Carol, weighed into how she shaped the day. She also wondered how it could be possible that Carol still had a habit of considering her, when she had dismissed her feelings so outright before. She forgot to smoke most of her cigarette, so she went and made a cup of tea and came back to have another.

            She saw Carol's car pull up to the curb outside. She turned back to the clock, and it was just past ten. She went down to let her in, surprised to find that her hands were not shaking as she unlatched the door. Down on the street, Carol wondered if Therese would want her this early. She got out of the car and felt hesitant over ringing the bell. As she approached the outside doors, Therese was already coming down the stairs. She opened the inside door for Carol quietly. Their eyes met for a moment, then they both made their way in as silently as they could and up to Therese's apartment. Carol felt as if she had been liberated from a hostile environment, as she came into Therese's apartment. She saw her work was scattered all about now. The place looked nicer. She thought perhaps she had painted the walls. She seemed to be filling more of the space that was hers now.

            Therese had not had anyone to her apartment in a while, even though she went out more these days. She liked having a place that was hers alone. Now that Carol was here, her presence seemed like something unsettled, a new feature without a given place. She wished that she could ask her if she wanted anything, a drink, some tea, perhaps a bite to eat. But she knew that Carol had just come from dinner, and she had already put her own bag and coat on the back of a chair. She was looking about the place and smiling. Her eyes were very kind. Therese had forgotten that, somehow, Carol's kindness. That was real. She felt a pang of guilt almost that she had forgotten.

            Carol was standing in the doorway to Therese's living room. She felt uneasy, but it was difficult to notice for all the happiness she felt. She could see that Therese seemed almost frozen, as if she did not know how to respond to having Carol in her house. She thought of asking for a drink. But she had kept sober, so they could talk. Might as well accept how difficult this would be, she thought. Nothing could be more worth it.

            "Can we sit?" Carol asked gently with a gesture into the living room.

            Therese nodded and seemed a bit more at ease. There was only the small couch free. Therese sat on one end. Carol took a throw pillow and sat in front of the couch on the floor turned towards Therese. She took a deep breath to steady herself. They sat in silence for a moment. Carol noticed how the sounds from the street were far quieter than her own apartment. She liked the noise and energy of her own place, but she liked this, as well.

            "It's quiet," Carol said.

            "I could put on some music," Therese said.

            "You want to?" Carol asked.

            "I wouldn't know what to play," Therese said.

            "Neither would I," Carol said.

            Carol smiled, but Therese thought her eyes seemed sad. She thought it a funny sight, Carol sitting with her weight mostly on one hip in all her fine clothes on Therese's old rug and leaning into her elbow that was pressed into the worn couch. She looked over Therese, then she looked over everything else in the room. Therese got the distinct feeling that Carol had turned away from her in order to lend her a sort of privacy. She felt how stiffly she was sitting now. She realized that she was waiting for Carol's lead, even though she was the one who had invited her here. She tried to consider her feelings that felt clenched in her own chest. She thought she might weep in response. She rubbed at her face and realized that it would not matter if she did weep here in her own place. She felt herself turn angry at the idea of Carol seeing her weeping. She brought her hands away from her face and took a few deep breaths to try and steady herself.

            "What are you thinking?" Carol asked her softly.

            She seemed almost afraid to ask her for once. Therese brought in a breath that came out in a rush of air. She felt her eyebrows raise, and she blinked as she considered. She looked over Carol's face for a moment before she answered.

            "Why did you not just talk to me before?" Therese asked her plainly.

            She must have imagined that Carol would explain this to her at length. She did not know whether to expect any tone of apology in her answer. Certainly she anticipated that Carol would remain poised. Because she felt absolutely astonished when Carol took in her question for a long moment, then in response, leaned her head down onto the couch onto her own hands. She seemed tired to Therese in a manner she had never seen before, even after she had driven fifteen hours in a day. Carol leaned back up with a hand still pressed to her face. She seemed to be holding herself to the question. Therese felt suddenly almost cruel for asking her, but she thought she must be mixed up about what was her own fault again over what all was held in Carol's expression.  

            "I had to turn away from you," Carol said.

            "Why in secret – from me?" Therese said.

            "Any way I could," Carol managed. She nearly swayed as she put her hand to her face again. "I'm so sorry, Therese," she said.

            Therese suddenly remembered the day when Carol pulled over to the side of the road and refused to let her take the blame for the terrible situation they were in. She found herself reaching out to touch Carol's hair. The soft weight of it under her hand made her feel almost astonished by the reality that they were together once more. She put her other hand to Carol's shoulder. She tried to turn Carol's face up to look at her after a moment. Carol turned away, took a deep breath, and steadied herself to respond to whatever Therese wanted.

            "I just need to know that this wouldn't – that it couldn't happen again, you understand?" Therese said.

            She knew that her eyes were full of tears and her own vulnerability was made plain in a manner that would have horrified her to consider an hour before. Carol was considering her face. She seemed to think deeply for a moment.

            "What else could they do to me?" Carol said.

            Something in Carol's expression and in the tone of this phrase made Therese aware that she did not know everything of what had happened. She looked so tired now, as if she had been through weeks and weeks without rest.

            "You have to tell me things. And you have to leave me when I'm awake," Therese said.

            She had put her hand to the side of Carol's face. She saw Carol's eyes close. She wanted to lean into Therese's hand.

            "God help me," Carol said in a shaken voice, "If I have to leave you again, I don't know how I could manage."

            Carol held the back of Therese's hand and seemed to lose all thought except for the feel of it for a moment.

            "What else could they possibly take from me?" Carol said again.

            Therese could see that the phrase was not merely meant to answer her question. Carol was asking this question of herself. She was afraid. Therese realized then what it meant then for Carol to leave her. Somehow, she had come to question whether Carol's feelings for her were real. Now, that idea passed away, as if Carol's presence and all the truth written in her body banished every such thought and feeling that had woven themselves into Therese over so long. She leaned forward and let her forehead press to Carol's.

            Suddenly, nothing felt a rush anymore. They were quiet together. Their hands touched, and their touch seemed shy yet still graceful as their fingers enclosed around one another's hands. Therese thought about Carol leaving, and she knew she could hardly stand it if she did. She needed her close for a while if she was going to believe this was really happening.

            "Would you stay the night?" Therese said.

            Carol took Therese's hand and turned her face towards it in response. She kissed her palm. She seemed to draw herself back.

            "You don't have to invite me back in like this," Carol said. "I can be patient, with you. We could begin again – start over."

            Therese felt her eyes well when Carol offered her this. She had the sudden awareness that Carol felt as if their relationship from the past was ruined, as if all its beautiful potential had turned against them. She still felt the pain of what had happened still in her body. They were both in pain. But she had the thought. _Nothing is ruined._ She thought this several times, as she placed her forehead against Carol's again and rocked her gently. She leaned back a little and got Carol to look at her.

            "Don't you know how I want you?" Therese said.

            Carol looked over her face, as if desperately trying to take full possession of the truth she could see written there. She reached to touch Therese's face. Carol felt suddenly that Therese was really there, right in front of her. She could reach out and touch her. Nothing could have seemed more miraculous to her mind. She came up onto her knees, so they could embrace. She knew that she held her almost hard, but she could not help it.

            Therese felt herself grow serene in Carol's arms. She was tired, and it settled onto her. She stood up and took Carol's hand. She led her into her bedroom. She watched Carol look about the room. She put her hands carefully to Carol's sides. She brought her hands over Therese's hands. Therese let her lips press against the ivory silk of Carol's blouse against her shoulder. She went and turned on a lamp by the bed and came back to Carol.

            "Can I undress you?" Therese asked.

            The shift in Carol's shoulders conveyed her consent, and Therese began to slowly unbutton her shirt. She took care not to rush. As she moved around behind Carol to draw the shirt down her arms and take it off, she came in close and breathed in her smell. She felt her eyes close. Carol's perfume smelled different on her than it did in the bottle or on Therese's own clothes. It blended so well with her own distinct smell. She found that she liked the smell best at the end of the day, when it had become warmer, richer. She felt that Carol's body made a similar change come over her own body. She wrapped her arms around Carol's naked waist and embraced her from behind.

            Carol kept herself away from an urge to hide as Therese undressed her. Whatever Therese wanted she would allow if she could. The way Therese touched her skin conveyed that she thought Carol beautiful. She always felt astonished by this, these sudden moments when it seemed their desire for one another touched and became fully known. She could hardly imagine how they could be the same, when she often felt so isolated in her own experience of longing. And yet they were. She had felt the truth of this many times before, and even if everything else had changed, nothing it seemed could alter this one thing shared between them.

            Therese took off a few of her own things, as she undressed Carol. Carol turned and sat herself on the edge of her bed, as Therese made to remove her stockings. Therese stood and undressed herself then. She let herself notice Carol's response, as she watched her. Her lips were held parted and her eyes very heavy.

            She took Carol's hand once more and led her into the bathroom. The two of them stood naked together at the sink. Therese got soap in a washcloth and removed her own makeup. Carol did the same after her, bending low to lean in over the sink. Her hip touched Therese's side as she turned to get a towel to dry her face. Therese felt herself take pause at the feel. That moment of sensation seemed to catch and develop like an image captured by a camera, amplified into a full and lingering awareness that would have been impossible to maintain at all times. She felt it especially down in her stomach in a place, she thought, almost no one could reach, yet Carol could with the even slightest of touches.

            She caught Carol's eye in the mirror over her sink. She saw Carol wanting to smile. The lines at the corners of her eyes were made plainer without her makeup. Therese turned to see. She felt how incredibly beautiful they were, the history of Carol's happiness imprinted on her skin. She reached to touch them with her fingertips, and Carol went still to allow this. She turned and smiled at Therese, and Therese felt herself lose her breath suddenly.

            Carol led them back to the bed. She drew down the covers and sheet. She climbed in under them, and Therese watched and then followed her. She drew close enough to make a space open out under the covers between them. Carol was turned on her side facing Therese with her knees bent. Therese reached out and drew the covers down from Carol's shoulder until they reached her hip. She placed her hand on Carol's shoulder and ran it down the length of her arm. She had fantasized so many times about Carol being beside her in her bed instead of lost to her at an unknown distance. All those imaginings were made to seem thin and weak now in comparison with the feel of Carol's real presence in her bed beside her. In all of them, Carol was somehow still untouchable, situated almost it seemed now above Therese. Instead, she felt so close, so vivid. Therese placed her hand on Carol's shoulder once more and ran her hand down over her collarbone. She let her touch run over her breast, down her stomach, and over the bone in her hip. She felt the soft, delicate hair between her legs beneath her fingers and let her hand run down the length of Carol's thigh to her knee. She saw the same, strange calm in Carol's expression that saw the first time they made love. She seemed tender and open. She was just Carol, Therese thought. Nothing could have been more, no ideal or fantasy. She came up onto her elbow and leaned in over her, and she leaned down to kiss Carol.

            A sound of pleasure came from Carol's chest as they kissed, and she felt Therese's hand press there, as if she might be able to feel the sound. They kissed deeply, and their kisses became passionate of their own accord. Carol felt Therese's body shifting and wanting to sink against her own. She found herself turning to place her knee between Therese's legs, and she bent her knee slowly to bring her thigh up to press against her body. She allowed her weight to shift back once more and draw Therese over her. As they kissed and touched one another, Carol's thigh moved against Therese and made her breath catch.

            When Carol's thigh touched her, Therese felt as if a bowl of pleasure that sat quiet inside of her was tipped and some spilled out and ran through her already. She knew that Carol could feel this even as it happened. The way she held and kissed Therese made her aware that there was no distinction between her own pleasure and Carol's. By orchestrating sensations such as these in Therese, Carol found the most profound pleasure. Therese felt swept up into something beyond herself, and as she wrapped her arms around Carol and their mouths found one another's almost by instinct, she felt vividly aware that she trusted Carol utterly and implicitly. She could carry her absolutely anywhere.

            As Carol felt Therese find her own way to complete surrender to the experience of their lovemaking, she knew that she herself had not forgotten how this felt even in the slightest. She had never felt anything more pure, more unquestionably good and right and beautiful in her entire life than this. She let herself know it again, as she made love to Therese again and once more without any remorse. Tonight, when she could feel Therese's touch asking her to be taken in return, she willed herself with all of her being to follow her.

            Therese heard Carol's voice as she had never heard it sound before, breaking in deep, prolonged moans of almost intolerable pleasure. She felt her legs shaking afterwards. Carol shook as if her body were being overtaken by a sudden fever. As Therese came over her to embrace her, and she tasted herself in their kiss, she felt nearly lost. Her mind was filled with the sound of her therapist's voice uttering a hundred maddening phrases meant to shape her into something other than herself. She also heard Abby's voice in her memory saying, "Just tell those bastards whatever they want to hear, but don't you lose sight of the truth. You know what's real."

            They lay close together afterwards. Therese felt exhausted but wakeful. She almost felt afraid to go to sleep, as if Carol might disappear and all of this prove itself a dream when she woke again. She found Carol unusually quiet. At one point, she thought she would find Carol asleep and leaned back a little. But Carol was only silent and seemed lost in her own thoughts.

            "What are you thinking?" Therese asked her gently.

            Carol turned to look at her face. She seemed to try to gather some of her thoughts into words. She worked her lips before she spoke.

            "This is what's real," Carol said, and she brought Therese's hand to her lips to kiss it just for the simple pleasure of the act.


End file.
